The One With The Jellyfish
by Loony4moony816
Summary: He wasn't handling it very well. CRACK


When Kurt walked into the choir room one day looking as if he was hit by a car and wanted to cry and vomit all over himself at the same time, his gleek friends took notice.

"Shit, Hummel, I told you that Dubra wasn't the way to go to get wasted! That shit is nasty." As always, Noah Puckerman observed all the correct events, took in the right information, and produced the most fucked up results.

"Are you for real, Mohawk? Shut your mouth! Kurt, boy, what's wrong?" Mercedes wrapped an arm around her best (and most fierce) friend's shoulder, gently guiding him to a chair. He all but collapsed in it, letting his Prada messenger bag fall to the floor. The gleeks gasped. Mercedes looked up at Quinn and Finn with wide eyes; something was seriously wrong.

Rachel got on her knees in front of the pale fashionista. Placing one hand on his knee, she gently asked, "Kurt, is there something wrong? We can help. Nothing can be that bad. We're Glee Club! We can do anything!"

Sweet, sweet, stupid, naïve Rachel. While it is true that she and Kurt had not always gotten along, they came to some sort of camaraderie after Sectionals. Only she would think that a group of awkward, teenaged misfits who pranced around all day and sung showtunes could possibly help Kurt now.

"Seriously, Fairy, what's the deal?" To an outsider, it would seem that Santana Lopez was being unkind and prejudiced against her teammate. In all honestly, she was. But that was how she chose to show affection and nobody was about to tell her to act differently.

"I'm going to be sick."

Finn took action and shoved Kurt's torso into his own legs, effectively bending the supple teen in half, "Breathe, Kurt. One deep breath in, and out. In. Out."

Mercedes rubbed small circles around his back as he followed Finn's instructions, "Do you think you caught that stomach flu that's been going around? Do you want me to take you home? Your dad would want you home."

No one expected the sound that came out of Kurt's mouth. It was almost indescribable; a cross between a wail and sob, full of desperation.

The room was filled with exchanged looks of concern and fear. Everyone's eyes were wide and questioning.

It was Artie that spoke up, "Is there something wrong with your dad, Kurt?"

Kurt smacked both hands to his face, both burying it in them and looking like he wanted to claw off every inch of skin on it. He let out another sound, similar to the first, except it was more of a muffled scream this time.

"That's it, I'm getting Mr. Schue." Quinn waddled to the door, determined and motivated by the motherly instincts that coursed through her pregnant veins.

"I'll get Coach Sylvester. She's really good with hysteria, smacks it right out of you!" Santana earnestly piped up and made a move to join her blonde friend at the door.

She was cut off, however, by Kurt, who had jerked out of his seat with impressive speed and ran to the piano. The rest of the club watched in horrified shock as he made every move to give himself cerebral hemorrhaging by smacking his head into the smooth, black surface repeatedly.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! CRACK!

"WOAH! Hummel! What the fuck are you doing?!" Puck, who was the first to snap out of it, grabbed the ex-kicker and shoved his head into his muscular chest. Kurt, no doubt dizzy from the crack in his skull, buckled at the knees, forcing the two of them to sit on the floor in an awkward embrace.

Kurt was whimpering. Honest to God whimpering. And then Puck heard it.

"My dad is dating Sue."

"YOUR DAD IS DATING SLYVESTER?"

The horrified gasp that echoed in the room was a befitting response to a terrorist attack. Which, in a way, having your dad date the Anti-Christ was a type of terrorist attack.

"How long have you known? Kurt, how long have you been hiding this?" Trust Rachel Berry to make this more into a Lifetime Original Movie than it already was.

Kurt looked up at her, face shining with tears, cheeks red with shame and panic. Puck couldn't help but think that Kurt Hummel carried the devastation look better than anyone he knew. It was kinda hot.

"I—I j-just found out—_Oh GOD!_" Kurt buried his face into Puck's shoulder, digging it in as if he never wanted to see the light of day again.

Puck, who was quite good at calming down hysterical women, tried his best. Patting his hair, he spoke softly, "What's up, Hummel? What's got you so wound up?"

Kurt took a couple of shuddering breaths before looking up and gulping, "They say when you've experienced something traumatic, it's best to let it out."

Finn and Rachel shared a look. Tina and Mercedes shared a look. Mike and Artie shared a look. Brittany and the wall shared a – oh, wait.

"Coach Sylvester sent a note to my last period class. It was English. We're reading Sophocles. You know how I like Sophocles." Mercedes nodded, motioning him along.

"The note said that I had to see her after class because we had to talk about my gym grade. She said I was failing. Which is ridiculous!"

"Kurt!"

"Right. So I head over and—and—"

"That's rough, man," Finn sounded genuinely upset, "Finding out that your dad is dating someone by the woman telling you. And in school, too!"

Kurt sobbed. He brought up his hands to his face and screamed again. A shiver ran through Puck. Hummel was going to have to stop that. It was too freaky.

Artie, ever insightful as he was, spoke, "That's not how it went down, was it?"

Kurt, hands still planted firmly on his face, shook his head, 'No'. He sobbed again.

Everyone was too afraid to ask, knowing and not knowing how this was going to end. "How did it go down?"

"I-I knocked on her office door and heard, 'Come in!' So I went in and—and—and—"

"And WHAT?" was the answering shout. They were at the end of their ropes.

"AND THEY WERE HAVING SEX IN HER CHAIR!"

The Glee Club of William McKinley High School screamed. Screamed so loudly that the sound shattered some of their own eardrums. And the madness descended.

Matt, Mercedes, and Quinn all crossed themselves repeatedly, muttering frantic prayers. Artie rammed his wheelchair into the wall repeatedly. Rachel joined him. Finn recited football lineups of the NFL. Santana screamed, "My eyes! My EYES!" over and over.

Puck rocked with Kurt, back and forth, cradling the small teen's head in between the palm of his hand and his shoulder. Looking up, he growled at Tina, "Why the FUCK are you smiling?"

"Smiling represses the gag reflex," the goth girl replied through clenched teeth.

* * *

Eventually, they calmed down to a point of functionality. It took them three-quarters of an hour, but they got there. At this point, they were all on the floor, sitting crossed legged, looking around at each other.

Kurt, who was still lying against Puck, spoke up, voice hoarse from all the sobbing, "Guys, I want to thank you for sticking around. I know this is the most disgusting thing ever and it means a lot to me that you haven't gone running to the hills yet."

Artie smiled, "Well, I _would_, but—" He trailed off and the rest of the club chuckled and Tina, who was sitting with her back against his wheelchair, reached back and smacked him on the arm.

What Rachel said next shocked the group, "I can't believe how much of a _bitch _Sue is."

Puck grinned, "I can't believe you can't believe that."

Finn laughed, "I can't believe you said 'bitch'."

"Word, white boy!" Mercedes leaned forward to give the quarterback a high-five.

Kurt smiled at them and sighed, "I guess that's the only way she could have thought to tell me about it."

Matt spoke up, "It could have been worse. She could have announced to the whole school that she's nailing your dad."

The PA system crackled to life above them, "Attention, attention. Sue here, with a special edition of "Sue's Corner" for all you low-life sacks of hormones. I am nailing Gay Kid's father. For all of you losers who've never got any in life, that means I am having sex with Burt Hummel. Multiple times. Everywhere. And I like it. So I'll keep doing it. Tonight, in fact. And that's how Sue 'C's' it."

It wasn't physically possible for their eyes to bulge out any more than they currently were.

Kurt moaned and buried his face back into Puck. Rachel took action, "Alright! That's enough moping around! We can't help the situation, but we can treat the side effects. Girls, sleepover, tonight, my house! We'll watch movies and look at fashion and talk about boys. Doesn't that sound fun, Kurt?"

Kurt sniffled, "Can I give you a make-over?"

Rachel sighed, "Yes. If it'll make you feel better, I can throw out some of my argyle."

"YES!" Surprisingly, the shout came from Quinn.

"What? Kill me if I want to see a friend of mine dress herself better."

"Okay, let's go! We have to rent movies and buy snacks and—"

Finn interjected, "And tomorrow's Saturday, so you can come over to my house for video games with Mike, Matt, Artie, Puck, and me!"

"And then we can have a late night pool party at my house! Shoot, boy, this is going to be the flyest weekend ever!"

Kurt smiled a little at his friends, "Guys, that's great, but I can't avoid home forever."

Rachel said, seriously, "No, but you can until that feeling of nausea and betrayal go away. Spend time with your friends. Get back on your feet and _then _talk to your dad about this." She smiled, "That's what friends are for. To help make-up for the screw ups that family make from time to time."

Kurt intertwined their hands and smiled back at the grinning diva, "I don't know how, but I somehow got the best friends in the entire world."

Rachel's smile went from shining to blinding and Kurt was warmed to the core.

"Ok! We have to get ready for tonight. Quinn, you and I will go to the video store. Brittany and Santana, the grocery store. Mercedes, grab all the music and fashion magazines you own. Tina, bring your hair dye, I have a feeling it'll be handy later. Let's do it!"

The girls left the room, each on their respective missions. Finn turned to the guys, "Wanna go to the arcade at the mall?"

Mike, Matt, and Artie agreed, but Puck said, "I'll meet you there. I'm going to give Hummel a ride to Berry's house after picking up his crap from his house."

Finn nodded, "See you tomorrow, Kurt! Have fun tonight, but don't let them turn your hair purple."

Kurt smiled, "Bye, guys, have fun at the mall! And while you're at it, look for some clothes that aren't made of denim and cheap cotton!"

Puck and Kurt were left in the room alone.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"Yeah, well, --"

"I don't even care that he's dating! Or that he didn't tell me! Or that it's Sue! If he's happy, then I'm fine with it. My problem is with the fact _no one_ should _ever_ walk in on their parents having sex. _No one_."

"Well, one good thing came out of this."

"Yeah, it feels nice to be taken care of by friends."

"Yeah, that _and_ we just ruled out one way of coming out to our friends."


End file.
